01The Encounter
A long, long time ago (last Friday) in a land far, far away (my kitchen), I made a shocking discovery. Underneath the corner of my kitchen counter, there was a web. Not just any web, a web of deception and fear. Being the normal guy that I am, I paid very little notice of this. “Probably just a wolf spider or something,” I told myself. “Nothing to fear.” Yet I could feel the fear begin to build up.
Saturday morning, Lucifer (yes, I named the damn thing, lay off!) finally exposed his, or shall I say, her true identity. While deep-frying chicken for dinner, I noticed a small black leg peeking over the counter. It was the most ghastly thing I had ever seen. The dreaded black widow spider. It was the size of a silver dollar. I gasped in terror as its magical red hourglass taunted me while it crawled back into hiding. I knew that this would be my greatest challenge yet.
02The Battle
For two days and two nights, Lucifer toyed with me. I felt like a mouse in a maze. Nothing more than a fly in her web. I would approach with the visions of murder in my mind. She would watch me closely. I came at her with the shoe, the spatula, and a heart urging for victory. Just as I was about to strike, she would retreat into hiding. She mocked me until the smell of victory was all I could imagine.
03The Mistake
The thought that maybe this was an adversary I might never beat drove me mad. I drank. I drank more. I drank until the blood in my veins pulsed with more alcohol than any poison she could possibly possess. I saw her creeping in the darkness. The light glimmered against her fragile body. If so fragile, why could I not dispatch her?
I looked around. I grabbed the first spray can I could find, ready to take this fight to new grounds. As I held the can of WD-40 (yes, I know WD-40 is useless in a war like this, but hey, I was drunk and frustrated), I could see the amusement build in her eyes. I sprayed! She ran like the coward she is. The echo of her laughter screamed in my head…
She had won this battle, but the war was far from over!
04The Defeat
As I lay in bed after a horrible defeat, I thought; I meditated on what had brought such a curse into my house. And in lying there in the dark alone with victory fading in my mind, I realized that I am the stronger being. It was time to bring this fight to the next level… Biological warfare!
05The Final Chapter
Lucifer hid from me for most of the night. Knowing that I fought without rules or boundaries, she suspected I was up to no good. Finally, after two hours of waiting for her to show herself, she appeared. I slowly made my way closer to her, making sure she would not see the ambush that was surely inevitable. I raised my new weapon, a can of Raid roach and ant killer. She looked me straight in the eyes, laughing to herself as my last spray assault had not affected her. With confidence high on both sides of the line, I pressed down on the button.
The foam encased her body. Her legs buckled; she had no idea what was happening. How could she? I pressed the button harder. The war was mine. She fell to the floor and was met by the rubber heel of a shoe. I realized at this point that it was not me I was fighting for, but my children, so that they might enter the kitchen without fear of attack. As I wiped her remains off the bottom of my shoe, I felt a calm flow through my body. The battle was over, and I had truly reigned supreme!
THE END